My veil was exposed
May 12, 2008 I will never forget that day. The day I found myself ashamed, hurt, upset, unsure, broken and tired in a crisis pregnancy center.
I was 23 years old and felt like a little girl. I had just flown back from spending my birthday with one of my ex’s. It was the month before I was to move from Minnesota to Maryland and begin my Masters in Social Work. It was two years after I crowned my successor: I was the former Miss Black USA and here I was in the crisis pregnancy center, potentially pregnant with a man I had no intentions of even getting married to and at one of the lowest points in my life.
That day, I had determined that I was tired of opening my legs to uncommitted hearts. I was tired of the broken and toxic relationships. I was tired of giving all of myself away and still feeling empty. I was tired of compromising my spirituality, values and overall wellbeing. I was tired of wearing the mask of a confident woman who had it all together to everyone else but was really just slowly falling apart and struggling with low-self esteem and lack of self-love. I was tired of the inauthenticity and hypocrisy in my walk with Christ. I was tired of putting my relationship with God on the backburner.
On May 12, 2008. My veil was exposed. My veil of sexual immorality, low self esteem, bitterness and brokenness were revealed. That day was my appointment with God. That day not only was the veil removed but I was given another chance to get my ish together. I was given another chance to re-dedicate my life (including my body) back to God. I was given another chance to experience healthy love with myself, with God and with men. I was given another chance to heal and release the broken-bitter heart. Most importantly. I was given another chance to re-enter into a relationship with God through Christ Jesus; the greatest and most fulfilling relationship you or I will ever have in our life.
That day gave birth to my journey of abstinence, self-love and experiencing deeper intimacy with God. And that journey birthed my first book Recommitted: It’s Not Too Late. which God has used to help other women remove similar veils.
Before that day, I was the girl who always had the smile. The girl who grew up in church, gave her life to Christ around age six and was baptized at thirteen. The girl who could make you believe she was the most confident person in the world (or at least in the room). The girl who everyone thought had it all together and clearly had an easy life. The girl who was good at bouncing back. The resilient, stubborn, smart and determined girl. While some of those attributes were true, the reality was I was able to mask the hurt, shame, bitterness and lack of self worth and value under the smile.
I thank God for that day. I thank God for that appointment with Him and for the courage and confidence it gave me to fiercely pursue Christ and the woman He created and called me to be.
Nine years later, while it hasn’t been easy, I can say with authenticity and conviction that I am still crazy-in-love with God. I kept my vow of recommitment, I know my value and I’m confident in the woman I am in Christ. I have experienced healthy love with myself, others and now with my yummy hubby of 5 months (now that’s another testimony) and continue to empower and encourage other women to do the same.
This is what I leave you with today sis: there is no veil too thick that can’t be removed and no heart too broken that God can’t mend. This is your time. This is your time to heal, experience healthier love (with God, self, men) and recommit to God and to yourself.
“When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,’ says the Lord God.” – Ezekiel 16:8, NKJV
Love you but more importantly God loves you.
Celi (pronounced Ce-day) Marie Dean, “The Confidence Builder”is an international speaker, philanthropist, producer and author of the book: Recommitted, It’s Not Too Late. She is a native of Minneapolis, Minnesota and namesake of her grandmother whose roots stem back to Monrovia, Liberia. Celi is a former Goodwill Ambassador to the Republic of The Gambia and the new Brand Ambassador for Pretty ‘N Print, a women’s empowerment and fashion line.She was Miss Black Minnesota 2005 and Miss Black USA 2005/2006. She traveled and continues to travel extensively nationally and internationally empowering and equipping women to be confident, committed and compassionate in love, life and purpose. During her reign she was the face of Flori Roberts Beauty Cosmetics line “Look My Way” and was awarded the “Children’s Champion” for her contribution and dedication to The Children’s Miracle Network.