I was an emotional wreck
2007 was such a dark and lonely year for me. I sometimes find myself reflecting on that moment in my life and I’m immediately drawn to tears just thinking or talking about it.
Let me first paint this picture for you. I was born and raised in a town right outside of New Orleans, LA called Houma. When my parents’ relationship didn’t work out, my mom decided to permanently move to Dallas, TX tagging along my brother and I. Just the 3 of us. I was around 10 years old at the time. So I grew up with a single parent and therefore had no model of what a healthy marriage really looked like. The lack of a father figure, I’m sure, added to that as well. Not to place all the blame on that however, it definitely shapes your view in regards to relationships, dating, etc. as you grow older.
Fast forward to adulthood, I was heavily involved in a (toxic) relationship that began in my late teens. Early 2007, after much conviction, I finally mustered up the guts to do what felt nearly impossible to do - I called off a relationship of nearly five years! Though I was somewhat relieved knowing I had done the right thing, I was deeply heartbroken. Just when matters couldn’t get any worse, a month later I found out I was pregnant.
So there I was…
21 years old
All at once.
I was angry and bitter with God. I remember thinking…
“Lord…I don’t understand. I did one of the hardest things I ever had to do by letting go of someone who meant the world to me. Now you allow me to get pregnant with this man? Really? How could you let this happen? Surely this is a mistake.”
Clearly this makes no logical sense, but you have to consider my mindset and level of maturity at the time.
I was an emotional wreck!
So many things were going through my head…I was a college student with no health insurance, working part time, living with my mom and brother in a tiny two-bedroom apartment. There was absolutely no way I was prepared to raise a child. NONE! Nor did I want one (just being honest). I became so depressed. Many times I entertained the thought of getting rid of my baby. I thought if I do that than everything will be okay and back to normal, right? Wrong. I tried my hardest to separate myself from having any type of emotional connection with this being growing inside of me. However, I couldn’t gather the courage and strength to go through with terminating it. So, I did nothing but hide. The amount of shame and guilt I carried led me to close myself off from the world, from social media, even close friends and family. I was convinced there was nothing that no one could say or do to get me out of this pit. Not even God... So I thought.
There were better times following the birth of my daughter but still faced many challenges along the way. There were financial struggles, co-parenting with my baby’s father wasn’t working, my attendance at work (as a new mom) almost caused me to lose my job. You name it, everything began to crumble. However, looking back I realized something. In the midst of my unfortunate circumstances and bitterness in my heart, I received something that exceeded far beyond what I ever expected to receive. God’s provision and love.
Year after year, God began to turn my life around little by little. The bad, the ugly, and every negative circumstance became something of my past. He also began a work in me! All of which was happening before my eyes. He provided in ways where I thought there was absolutely NO WAY. While doing so, my heart began to soften and He restored areas I thought could never be restored. I was amazed. Let me remind you that I was at the lowest of lows and blamed God for a lot of my circumstances. Yet, He still took care of me and my child. All I could say was, “Wow Lord. You love me that much?”
You see, what I failed to realize is Jesus wanted to satisfy a deeper thirst in my heart. A thirst and longing that He created and therefore only He could fulfill. I depended on other means including my now ex-boyfriend and suffered a great deal of consequences as a result of my sin. But what the enemy meant for evil God meant for good.
“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result to preserve many people alive.” – Genesis 50:20
God had a plan all along. I am so thankful He never gave up on me even when I gave up on Him. I faced many hardships and the odds were stacked against me but I’m forever grateful for the process. I never imagined I would be where I am now…never. I have a healthy co-parenting relationship with the father of my child, much love and support from family and friends, comfortable means of living, and an amazing little girl as an added bonus. My heart is full. All glory to God.
I hope my story encourages others to seek the Lord to fill those empty spaces that may occupy your heart whether it is depression, loneliness, strongholds, whatever your heart is longing for. Jesus is the answer to whatever is lacking. Not things of this world, not people. Trust and believe that He is powerful and fully capable enough to turn any situation around.
“Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that He is the rock at the bottom.” – Tony Evans.
Reflecting back on 2007 is a constant reminder of how deep His love runs for me. :)
Brittany Packer is a lover of hair and beauty. She is a professional cosmetologist in the making. Ladies, if you are looking to get your hair done, she is your girl. You can find her on Instagram at @msbrittany_simone.